I had a good day yesterday. I felt strong and calm. I had an enjoyable writing session and a wonderful dinner in a restaurant with an old friend. When I hugged her good-bye, I was happy and fulfilled – until I got about half way home. I could feel my mind pulling me
into a negative loop of “what ifs.” I didn’t wear a mask at the post office today. What if I get Covid? I was editing a book. What if I did a bad job and she didn’t like it? What if my political candidate doesn’t win? How will we all survive?
The closer I got to home, the worse it became until I was as unhappy as I had been happy a short time ago. I walked into my house and checked my phone. A politician had sent me a text designed to scare me into donating money to her because she could change the world. She could make me safe in an unsafe world and no one else could do the job.
I deleted it and sat there, frightened and insecure. The fact was that nothing on the outside had changed since I had dinner. What was true an hour ago was still true. But on the inside, everything had changed. I had taken a dive and I was suffering because of the stories I was telling myself.
I attended a lecture by spiritual leader, Baba Ram Dass some years ago. This is the story he told. I paraphrase:
“I checked the stock market yesterday and all my numbers were up. I felt wealthy and I praised myself for investing so wisely. I loved a particular kind of muffin they sold at a bakery near my house. It was expensive for a muffin but why not get one? I had plenty of money. I walked to the bakery feeling light as air and I could already taste
the treat I was about to give myself. When I stepped inside, the aroma of freshly baked bread filled the air. Before I headed to the counter, I glanced at a pile of newspapers to my right and read the headline. “Stock Market Crash.” I become paralyzed. I felt like a loser. I left the bakery without the muffin. It was too expensive and I walked back home feeling defeated and depressed.”
I remembered reading a Buddhist lecture. The speaker said something like, “The things that are happening are not the cause of our suffering. It’s the things that we say to ourselves. The stories
that we tell ourselves. The work is to stay present. Even if we don’t like what’s here and now, if we try to run away from it, we get caught in a cycle of suffering and unhappiness. Unless we stay awake to what’s really going on, unless we acknowledge that we’re feeling shitty, we’re stuck in a dizzying loop of pain. It feels like something is wrong and we better change what it is and who we are or we’ll be sorry.
If you do the hard work of allowing yourself to stay awake to what’s really going on, even if you’re suffering, you’ll see that nothing is wrong. You don’t have to change yourself. It’s simply the human condition and whatever is going on, you need to stay with it if you want anything to change. And it will. That’s the only thing we be sure
of – everything changes whether we want it to or not.
If you spend your time trying to fix yourself and trying to change the things you can’t change, your suffering will escalate until you’re a miserable puddle of pain and sorrow. In the Harry Potter books, there is a prison called Azkaban. There are no bars or locked doors. They don’t need them. Wraith-like creatures called Dementors float above the prison, feeding on people’s happiness, causing them depression and despair, rendering them unwilling to find a way to escape.
This is what our negative thoughts do to us. They keep us imprisoned and they suck the joy out of us and out of every moment. We make ourselves suffer when we try to cut and run. We step onto
the roller coaster, searching for answers that we can’t find. It’s a painful way to live.
Of the four Noble truths that live at the foundation of Buddhism, the first is:
There is suffering in the world.
That isn’t an invitation to suffer because we have no choice. While we can’t change the fact that suffering exists, we can change our reactions to it. We can decide to feel it instead of going numb in any number of ways. If we decide not to feel pain, we’ve also decided not to feel joy. If we decide not to feel anger, we’ve also decided not
to feel forgiveness. If we decide not to feel fear, we’ve also decided not to feel courage.
We already have almost everything we need. What we don’t have is permission from ourselves to feel what’s right here, right now. If we want to find a compassionate way to go through life, we need to give ourselves a break and and stop trying to fix what isn’t broken. We
are not so special. We all feel pain and we’re all searching for a way to relax and accept who we are. I remember the powerful adage: the only way out is in. When we stop feeling superior or inferior, when we actually feel curious about how we are without trying to change ourselves, we have a chance to suffer less and accept more. That’s the path to inner peace.
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